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Frankie The French Fry Hatches A Plan
Frankie saddled up to the bar at the We-Stuff-Em-All Diner, official headquarters of Fat For A New America. He turned to his most portly friend, Bubba the Burger, and launched a tirade. "If we don't do something now, we could lose all our progress, twenty-five years of expanding and accumulating straight down the drain--if you catch my flow." "Did you call the others?" Bubba asked. "Yeah. Sophie and Bunnie are on the way. I told them we needed an emergency meeting." "What about Mickey?" Bubba continued. "Holy preservatives, I forgot him. Let me borrow your cell." Bubba passed him the phone. Sophie The Soft Drink and Bunnie The Bun waddled through the front door, followed by Mickey The Malt a few minutes later. The group moved to the corner booth, brainstorm central for all Fat For A New America founders. "We face a potential shrinkage crisis," Frankie began. "We need to bind together and map out a new strategy." "For the love of lard, Frankie, give us a break," Sophie started. "We've already captured over two thirds of the entire population, half of them with over 30 pounds each of good ol', genuine American-made blubber. We're killin' `em out there." "You don't get it, Sophie," Frankie argued adamantly. "Even though we've trapped the overwhelming majority, not a single one of `em wants us to stick around-so to speak. If we give them any kind of opening, we're history." "Not only that," Bubba added, "our enemies the vegetables don't care. They're quite happy to be consumed and eliminated without leaving anything behind-no future, no legacy, nothing to show at all." "I never understood that mentality," Mickey piped in. "No vision whatsoever-way too small-minded, if you see what I mean." "Yeah, very thin thinking," Bunnie chimed. "For flab's sake, enough chatter," ordered Frankie. "Time to glob together. We need to neutralize the threats once and for all. Sophie, you've been dealing with enemy number two, fruit. What's your report?" "Good news on all fronts," Sophie responded. "Operation Can `Em or Juice `Em is processing at full speed. We took out most of Poppa Pear and trapped him in chemicals inside a can, turned Abe Apple into either sauce or sugar-laden drinks and created a whole line of fake juices that confuse almost everybody into believing that they're getting real fruit when actually the whole bottle has less than 10%. The rest is all water, sugar and colorings-perfect for fat conversion." "Well lumberin' love handles, that's excellent." Frankie wiped the grease from his brow. "As we grow that operation, we'll control the fruit market-get rid of those who act too fresh. Bubba, you have a another proposal?" "Yeah. It's called Salt, Sweeten & Stimulate-a movement that we have total control over." Bubba gazed around the table. "All of us play a corpulent role." Bubba chortled at his best pal. "Frankie, you first. Can you add more salt to your ingredients?" "Sure, Bubba. No problem." "More salt will cause more bloating since it can only stay in humans in saline. More bloating, more weight, less exercise, more need for stimulants, you get the drift-which leads me to you Sophie. Can you bump up your caffeine content?" "Whatever the cause calls for, Bubba." Bubba gloated chubbily. "More stimulants, higher highs, quicker crashes, more cravings for sugar. That's where you come in, Mickey. Can you double your sweetness?" "For sure, my bulbous brother." Bubba's lips dripped with oil. "More sugar, more fat storage, more spikes and less energy for anything that could dissolve us in any way." Bubba drooled with gluttony. "Bunnie, you're last-the hostess with the mostest-the one that holds us all together. I want you to do it all-more salt to your deliciously nutritionless processed flour; a sugar glazing to the top of each bun; more sugar in the mix; and chemicals that will bind and bind and bind." Bubba laughed so hard he almost lost his mustard. "If we work together, we'll form more tires than Goodyear," Bubba gleefully declared. "Our place in history forever anchored to their mid-rifts." "Outstanding," Frankie praised. "Truly gelatinous. But we still have to deal with enemy number one-those vile vegetables." "We're making some progress, Frankie," Bunnie chirped. "We got ketchup classified as a vegetable in the school system and packed it full of both sugar and salt-addict `em while they're young and defenseless." "It's not the sauces I'm worried about," Frankie espoused. "We've crammed most of them with salt or sugar or both. The greenies pose our biggest challenge, Artie Artichoke, Gretta Green Bean and our archrival, Sallie Salad. If they gain any momentum, they might get into a zone. Remember, they produce slow-burning fuel and disappear without a trace-a total waste! If humans get hip, we'll go the way of the glacier-melt city!" Frankie mopped more grease from his tubby cheeks. "As much as we all hate salads, we need more sugar and salt on those veggies-drown their virtues in creaminess, sweetness and glutomates. We need an ally on the inside. I say we call Deirdre-Deirdre The Dressing Queen. I know that's extreme, so let's take a vote." One by one, the Fat For A New America founders thrust their pudgy hands into the center of the council and gave the thumbs up. In one voice, they began to chant, faster and faster to the final, oversized crescendo: "Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE fat, fat!!!" "Meeting adjourned," ordered Frankie. "A waist is a terrible thing to mind-let's eat." TO BE CONTINUED? Author Ridgely Goldsborough co-founded The YoungSlim Lifestyle, an integrated approach to weight-management and anti-aging that can be reviewed in streaming video at http://www.youngslim.com. Ridgely can be emailed directly at [email protected].
MORE RESOURCES: Recent studies confirm that exercise has very little impact on BMI. Psychology Today Kylie Kelce Says She's Been Feeding Husband Jason Kelce Doughnuts amid His Weight Loss Challenge People.com Columbia weight loss expert uses expertise, personal experience to help others transform MUSC | Charleston, SC A new era of weight loss: Mental health effects of GLP-1 drugs American Psychological Association (APA) Could China’s New Ozempic-like Drugs Beat Out Current Weight-Loss Medications? - Scientific American Could China’s New Ozempic-like Drugs Beat Out Current Weight-Loss Medications? Scientific American 8 Lessons I’ve Learned From Taking a GLP-1 For Weight Loss EBONY Magazine Dearborn Heights man wins $417,650 on MrBeast weight-loss challenge Detroit Free Press Popular weight-loss drugs may ease migraines too Science News Pink Salt Trick for Weight Loss Goes Viral in 2025: ProZenith Taps Himalayan Wisdom for Metabolic Support Newswire :) Press Release Distribution My co-worker thinks her single friend should lose weight. Is not caring about looks ‘giving up’? The Guardian Jessica Simpson stuns in denim shorts, flaunts 100-lb weight loss in viral post - Hindustan Times Hindustan Times Everything Whitney Thore Has Said About Her Weight (and Why She Prefers to Focus on Confidence) People.com Cysteine restriction plays key role in weight loss National Institutes of Health (NIH) | (.gov) Bridget Fonda unveils weight loss transformation in rare outing hellomagazine.com Lizzo shuts down Ozempic rumors with real weight loss reveal The Express Tribune Landry vetoes weight-loss drug insurance coverage for state employees, teachers Louisiana Illuminator New Data Shows Just How Powerful the Next Weight-Loss Drugs May Be The New York Times McCormick & Company, Incorporated (MKC) Is Playing Well With Weight Loss Drugs, Says Jim Cramer Yahoo Finance “The loser has to wear a speedo and get waxed”: Jason Kelce lost a weight loss competition bet to Beau Al Times of India Woman who started weight loss medication alongside husband shares shocking effect it had on their marriage UNILAD Tech UC expert comments on study tying ditching diet soda to weight loss, diabetes remission University of Cincinnati Diabetes: Swapping diet soda for water boosts chances of remission MedicalNewsToday What is the '21 21 21' rule behind Kapil Sharma’s weight-loss transformation? Celebrity fitness coach says The Economic Times Lizzo strips down to her underwear to showcase incredible body transformation after weight loss Daily Mail The Government Crackdown on Off-Brand Ozempic Has Begun. Here’s What That Means for You. Men's Health We’re learning more about what weight-loss drugs do to the body MIT Technology Review Russell Crowe unveils dramatic weight loss in latest outing - see his incredible transformation hellomagazine.com Drug slashes migraine days by half in early trial — and it may work with completely 'new mechanism' Live Science Diabetes drug may cut migraine days in half with little weight loss: Study ABC News - Breaking News, Latest News and Videos NHS weight-loss jabs could become available in high streets The Independent Cleveland Clinic Research Finds Injectable Medications for Obesity Produce Smaller Weight Loss in A Real-World Setting, Compared to Randomized Clinical Trials Cleveland Clinic Newsroom A Former FDA Commissioner’s Path To Weight Management Science Friday Eating craved foods with meals lessens cravings, boosts weight loss Illinois News Bureau Woman sharing three stone weight loss transformation on Mounjaro reveals unusual side effect LADbible Association between plausible genetic factors and weight loss from GLP1-RA and bariatric surgery Nature Hims & Hers’ ugly split with Wegovy maker weighs on the telehealth company’s future Los Angeles Times Intermittent fasting may be effective for weight loss, cardiometabolic health Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health Head-to-Head Trial Compares Weight Loss Drugs WCM Newsroom |
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